Ray’s Blog

It kind of reminds me of Spinal Tap’s these go to eleven although I will be topping them by going all the way to 12. I can’t make it to work anymore and I nap most every day for at least two hours. But we’re in the home stretch now with only two more weeks of treatment to go. Of course it will take some time for me to recover from the treatments and stop feeling the side-effects so my ordeal won’t actually be over, just the treatments will.

We’re not expecting any more problems. Unbelievably, no vassospasms. Although my fingertips have gone from feeling pins and needles on occasion to being completely numb. I’m hoping this is just the lack of Oxilaplatin that I’ve enjoyed since Christmas just working itself out. But these side-effects can start and stop long after treatment has ended. I just hope we stopped the Oxi in time so the numbness is not permanent.

The three week break between sessions 8 and 9 instead of the standard one has done wonders for me. I feel almost like it’s the first session but not quite. I still have had to take naps but my appetite is better and I have a lot more energy. So, only 3 more sessions to go or about seven weeks. I just wish every day for the day to be over so I can be finished with this shit. I’m still working as much as I can though and that helps pass the time and make me forget my health issues for a time. Not sure why i haven’t been writting. Probably because not much is going on except I’m just trying to get through this thing.

During my chemotherapy, I have turned forty, Christmas has been celebrated, and Thanksgiving, and Halloween, my daughter turned 9, Barack Obama was inaugurated; and there are events yet to occur, Easter, Aydin will turn 7, Christina and I have our fifteenth anniversary. For all of these milestones, I have been or will be on chemotherapy and may still even have cancer, and this saddens me somewhat. I don’t want to be this way or feel this way, but this is the way I am. And, I want to be around for all the other milestones to come, which is why I carry on.

Session number nine began today. I have had four weeks off since my last session which has given me a new energy I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and I am grateful for that. This same time last session, I would have still been asleep in an eight-hour nap. So much for that! I feel better than I have in weeks although not “normal” by any means, but as far as being on chemo, it’s pretty good. My hope is that this respite has allowed me to finish chemo on a more energetic note and may even reduce the time it takes for me to recover from chemo which my doctor tells me should be about two months. But, of course, in my case, that may not happen as he says.

Well, I’ve had the last week off of chemo and I took the same week off from this site. But now it’s time to get back to the grind. I couldn’t have my chemo last week because my GRAN level (”new” white blood cells) was too low for me to get the therapy. This is related to session eight when I wasn’t given the Oxilaplatin and because of that, I was told and relived to know that I wouldn’t be needing the Neulasta and Neumega since the Oxi is what really knocks your blood levels down. But, of course, NOT IN MY CASE.

I’m just full of surprises when it comes to this therapy. This week, again, my blood levels are still too low. Not only are they still too low, the went even lower instead of coming up. Mother (you know)! So my doctor caused this problem since if I had gotten the Neulasta shot we’d most likely be good on white blood cells. But then, it’s really me and my special chemistry. They fully expected I would be ready again. Now I’m not sure what to think. It’s nice to have the time off since it was getting pretty bad but this is not part of the normal course of the therapy. I’m not sure how this delay is effecting the success of my treatment if at all. The thing is, no one knows. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Looking at my hands today I noticed my fingerprints have disappeared. How the hell did that happen? Chemo is good for so many things, I’m surprised no one has brought this to the attention of the general public. Where’s Billy Mays when you need him? Weight loss? Espionage/Life of Crime, leave no fingerprints. Need to look like the grim reaper for Halloween? Just take eight sessions of chemo! Call in the next ten minutes and we’ll double the offer!

Due to a combination of the holidays and feeling like crap, I haven’t written in a while. Anyway, so, now, as time marches on, chemo session #8 has come and gone - three-quarters of the way through. I can’t wait for this to be over. I even had a reprieve this time. This session had no Oxilaplatin, which unknown to me until now, was the cause of my low blood levels (and plenty of other side-effects I knew about too) but those low levels mean I need the boost of neulasta and neumega. So this time, no shots, which should be relieving my fatigue, and it has, but not by much by my measure. It’s just a waiting game now - four more sessions or nine more weeks. I hope I can make it all the way. Luckily right now I’m on holiday from work so no worries there, but after this session, I’m not sure how much time I can spend at the office - Wednesday may fall next.

Two more days in bed. It’s not just the shots, it’s also the chemo’s cumulative effects. I worked from home both Monday and Tuesday although, with the holiday season in full swing and the various office party’s going on, there are blocks of time I don’t need to be at the office working anyway. No real consolation there because I would rather be there than at home in bed. So this week I couldn’t make it in on Tuesday - another loss for normalcy. And this pattern will continue as the medications curing my cancer are also killing me. So, I’m sleeping more than the cat and I just feel like I’m dying.

Still fatigued even on this last good day before chemo. I hope my blood levels are low so they will postpone my treatment maybe for a week. Not sure how I will feel if I get it tomorrow. Not good. Not good.

I had to go to the hospital toady to get chest x-rays. When you’re on chemo and you say you’re coughing, that’s what they do. I haven’t heard the results yet but I was planning on going to work today and decided better to be home in case I have something or may catch something. Blood work was done today too and my white blood cell count was way up. The oncologist liked that ’cause that means he can knock them down next week but it could mean I’m fighting an infection too. I had a two-hour nap today. I’m waiting for a day when I don’t nap - maybe tomorrow.

This last chemo treatment (#6) was a little different. Well, #5 was the real difference. I don’t think I had one good day during #5. It showed in my blood work. Everything was low which goes hand-in-hand with my fatigue level. It was decided to reduce my chemo drugs’ dosage by 10%. Right now I’m feeling like that was a wash. We’re still feeling a cumulative effect so one more treatment at 10% less may feel just like treatment #5. Won’t be sure until it’s over.

Christina told me that she feels like she’s living with the grim reaper - that’s kind of how I look I guess. Not too good. My hands are blue and incredibly wrinkled. And all this napping. I am more dead than alive. At least we’re on the the better side of half-way. If my blood levels are good enough, the dose goes back to 100%. By the time this is done, I’m going to be a wreck and it may take weeks if not months to actually feel normal again. God I hope I don’t need another twelve sessions of this.