Ray’s Blog

Due to a combination of the holidays and feeling like crap, I haven’t written in a while. Anyway, so, now, as time marches on, chemo session #8 has come and gone - three-quarters of the way through. I can’t wait for this to be over. I even had a reprieve this time. This session had no Oxilaplatin, which unknown to me until now, was the cause of my low blood levels (and plenty of other side-effects I knew about too) but those low levels mean I need the boost of neulasta and neumega. So this time, no shots, which should be relieving my fatigue, and it has, but not by much by my measure. It’s just a waiting game now - four more sessions or nine more weeks. I hope I can make it all the way. Luckily right now I’m on holiday from work so no worries there, but after this session, I’m not sure how much time I can spend at the office - Wednesday may fall next.

On top of chemo, I also take other medications to help counter the side effects of chemo as well as to stave off the vasso-spasm. This is what I take on a heavy medication morning that will last for one week ever other week. You can see maybe that my hands have become discolored and wrinkled from the chemo. They look like the hands of an old man.

The reddish one is Imdur which is a 24-hour nitroglycerin (for the vasso-spasms) taken once a day, then the two largest are tylenol to get rid of the headache that comes from Imdur, once or more a day. The tiny one is Ativan for anti-anxiety but I take it to help me feel somewhat better from the chemo and to help me sleep, taken as needed every 8 hours. The larger, circular one is Verapamil (also for vasso-spasms) which dialates blood vessels, taken 3 times a day. The last oblong one in the middle is Imodium for diarrhea, taken twice a day.

Two more days in bed. It’s not just the shots, it’s also the chemo’s cumulative effects. I worked from home both Monday and Tuesday although, with the holiday season in full swing and the various office party’s going on, there are blocks of time I don’t need to be at the office working anyway. No real consolation there because I would rather be there than at home in bed. So this week I couldn’t make it in on Tuesday - another loss for normalcy. And this pattern will continue as the medications curing my cancer are also killing me. So, I’m sleeping more than the cat and I just feel like I’m dying.

I can’t really explain what happens when I get that neulasta shot but I’ve been confined to my bed since I received it on Thursday afternoon. I’ve been napping a lot and not eating or drinking much and feeling like crap. Most likely I won’t make it to the office on Monday. Hopefully Tuesday. If I wanted to, I could pull all of my hair out without it even hurting. I have five more of these left. Motherfucker (sorry Mom). Aydin loves me because I’ve become very exaggerated in all bodily functions. I’m super fart man.

Sorry, but this is adult themed and possibly offensive. But when you have cancer, you just don’t give a f*ck anymore (actually, I don’t think I ever did).

My cord for my laptop has some exposed wire but I’ve still been using it - just a few sparks - and being the son of an electrician it didn’t really bother me that much. But yesterday I had my infusion and of course brought my laptop to help the time go by. I was enjoying a DVD from a CD I just got Blue Note Perfect Takes where Rudy Van Gelder the recorder of many jazz albums during its’ golden age was interviewed. All was fine until Christina dropped a magazine on the power cord. Bam! Sparks, embers, burning rubber smell, all coming from my corner of the room. But since everyone in that room is almost half-dead anyway, there really was no commotion over it except for Christina’s.

Still fatigued even on this last good day before chemo. I hope my blood levels are low so they will postpone my treatment maybe for a week. Not sure how I will feel if I get it tomorrow. Not good. Not good.

I had to go to the hospital toady to get chest x-rays. When you’re on chemo and you say you’re coughing, that’s what they do. I haven’t heard the results yet but I was planning on going to work today and decided better to be home in case I have something or may catch something. Blood work was done today too and my white blood cell count was way up. The oncologist liked that ’cause that means he can knock them down next week but it could mean I’m fighting an infection too. I had a two-hour nap today. I’m waiting for a day when I don’t nap - maybe tomorrow.

This last chemo treatment (#6) was a little different. Well, #5 was the real difference. I don’t think I had one good day during #5. It showed in my blood work. Everything was low which goes hand-in-hand with my fatigue level. It was decided to reduce my chemo drugs’ dosage by 10%. Right now I’m feeling like that was a wash. We’re still feeling a cumulative effect so one more treatment at 10% less may feel just like treatment #5. Won’t be sure until it’s over.

Christina told me that she feels like she’s living with the grim reaper - that’s kind of how I look I guess. Not too good. My hands are blue and incredibly wrinkled. And all this napping. I am more dead than alive. At least we’re on the the better side of half-way. If my blood levels are good enough, the dose goes back to 100%. By the time this is done, I’m going to be a wreck and it may take weeks if not months to actually feel normal again. God I hope I don’t need another twelve sessions of this.