You are going to die. We all face this inevitability every day of our lives. Yet we all seem to be able to live as if we are not. As if it will take place at some point in the distant future - too far in the future to worry about now. Ignore it, deny it, fear it, face it down. However you decide to respond, it will still happen. And you have no idea when. It could be 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, or 5 decades from now. And there’s the rub - when. I’ve heard people say, “Live life as if every day were your last.” The point is you don’t know when you’re going to die - I see that - but can you really live life every day as if it were your last? If taken literally by all, this world would be a mad house. A more accurate saying would be, “Live every day with the knowledge that it may be your last.” This requires thought, reflection and a measured response to the omnipresence of death.
Being strong, brave, an example to others is not what I intend to be. I am still myself, with or without cancer. I will still die, with or without cancer. There will be no wallowing in a depressed pool of self-pity. For if there would be, then end it now. Why bother? That is not a life nor deserving of life. We move forward, with new focus, and with new priorities. My life did flash in front of my eyes briefly and what I saw were my children. They are my purpose. Amongst all the uncertainty of this I am certain.
Maybe having cancer has shortened my life if I should die from it, but I may not. Maybe the surgery gave me a vulnerability that could kill me, or not. Maybe the CT scans I need will irradiate me to the point where I develop some other disease, or not. It’s all very uncertain. But it was before. Of those who survive cancer some say it was the best thing that ever happened to them. For every Yin there is a Yang. And cancer’s Yang is understanding what is important and what is not. And that is something of great value. Unfortunately, we have not already come to this but instead need some earth shattering event. Being reactive and not proactive. Better to be prepared. Better to meditate on life and realize early on what it is before the disaster when you may regret not having known before.
I’m going to die but I am also going to live.
Related posts:
“Being strong, brave, an example to others is not what I intend to be.”
Nevertheless.
Comment by brian mcbrearty — 2008.08.20 @ 8:55 am